


hiraeth

by Anonymous



Category: Kane and Feels (Podcast)
Genre: Epistolary, Gen, References to Depression, Sad Brutus Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:53:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24181654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: What if the suicide demon got to Brutus more than he let it show and Lucifer wasn't around to help him?
Kudos: 2
Collections: Anonymous





	hiraeth

**Author's Note:**

> It's self-indulgent but I decided to post it anyway. I think that isolation is finally getting to me.
> 
> Don't read this if you're feeling down, please.

How can you miss something you’ve never had? Is missing someone you’ve never even heard of or a place you’ve never visited even possible? Is there a way to ache with a want so overwhelming you break under its weight? 

I have been asking myself these questions, wondering whether or not this weird nostalgia was real and trying to figure my feelings out for a long while now. One could even say that I’ve spent my whole life thinking about it, but I can neither admit nor deny this. I simply don’t remember much about my life so it would be foolish of me to do so.

It may be strange to some, I suppose, not being able to recall what happened a mere ten years ago but my memory is a bit spotty, to say the least. I suppose trauma would do that to you but I can’t even remember what traumatised me, so I’m left hanging and broken, like a kite without a string. I’m free to roam the Earth but only to a point, and can only go where the wind takes me. 

I did say that I’ve started monologing to deal with things, didn’t I? Well, this is just like that, but I’m writing my thoughts instead of letting them go into the void.

Sometimes I envy the clouds, you know, at least they don’t feel like there’s a hundred-pound weight tied all of their limbs. Sometimes I wish I could just fly far, far away from all of this, just leave it all behind and never look back. 

But I would look back, I know I would. I can’t lie to myself forever so I may as well stop doing that now. I would look back and see you standing there alone in the darkness, I can almost see your bloody suit and that awful doll you made some time ago, you know the one. 

You claim not to feel like I do but for all your acrid words you seem to care a whole lot about other people, consciously or not. Given your attitude, I’d say it’s not conscious. 

You’re a hard man to forget but you already know that, don’t you? You burst in, wave your hand and say some bullshit ‘magic’ words, and suddenly you’re the centre of everyone’s attention. Like a charm, no one can think of anything else but you. Maybe it is a kind of magic only you possess; I wouldn’t be surprised if you turned out to be more magic than what I already knew. Power oozes out of you like air from a broken tyre most days, and it attracts attention, although mostly negative. I used to like that about you. 

You would make every day seem magical or special in some way. Days stopped being so monotone after I met you and I loved it, as much as I could love anything in the state my mind was in. 

But I am tired, Lucifer. I am so, so sick of feeling this way but I just can’t stop. My own mind doesn’t listen to me on good days so how can I expect it to do so on the bad days? 

I wish you were here with me.

**Author's Note:**

> My version of Brutus is way stronger than I am, so he will be just fine, given some time to rest. The way he's feeling will pass and he'll start helping people again, he just needs to get these thoughts of his chest before they eat him alive.
> 
> This letter isn't really addressed to Lucifer, more to the idea of him that exists in Brutus' mind.


End file.
